The Name Rama (also called Ram) has been very special to me for several years. I can’t remember exactly when my Guru, Sri Sri Sri Neem Karoli Baba-ji found me, but I’m guessing it was almost six years ago. Neem Karoli Baba left his body in 1973, when I was three years old, living on a farm in Indiana, so I did not meet him in person. Rather, he came to me in dreams, and I read many books about him. I have also experienced his Presence through the kirtan artists who did spend time with Maharaj-ji in India: Krishna Das, Jai Uttal, and Bhagavan Das. I consider those three to be my spiritual brothers, and I bow to each of them with immense gratitude for the potent and transformative healing chants that they share with the world.

Since my association with Neem Karoli Baba began, I have felt strongly drawn to Rama, Sita, and Hanuman, the main characters of The Ramayana, the famous epic tale that was channeled in ancient India by the Sanskrit poet-sage Valmiki.

About five years ago, I read a short, sweet version of The Ramayana, which was kind of like reading the CliffsNotes. I recommend this book for those who just want to hear the basic story and see the beautiful illustrations by B.G. Sharma. Written by Ranchor Prime, it is entitled The Ramayana: A Tale of Gods and Demons (Mandala Publishing, San Rafael, CA, 2001, 2004).

In the spring of 2009, I was blessed to attend a weekend kirtan retreat with Jai Uttal (and tablas player Daniel Paul) at Breitenbush Hotsprings. Each evening, Jai told us stories from The Ramayana, adding his hilarious modern-day touches along the way. Inspired by his fabulous storytelling, and hungry to dive deeper into the ancient tale, I asked him which version to read next. He suggested The Ramayana: A Modern Retelling of the Great Indian Epic by Ramesh Menon (North Point Press, New York, 2001, 2003).

A few months ago I began reading that version, and I carried the book with me in June when I went to see Ammachi at her ashram near San Ramon, California. One morning there, while watching Amma give hugs, a young man sitting behind me spotted my book, and he struck up a conversation with me. He lives in America now, but he grew up in India, and his parents still live in India. He was curious to know what I thought about Rama sending Sita away in the last book of The Ramayana. I said that I hadn’t gotten to that part yet in this version, but I was familiar with the storyline, and I just accepted it. He said that he believes it is important, as spiritual seekers, to question everything, including Rama’s actions. He said that when he asked his mother about why Rama sent Sita away, she said that Rama did what he had to do in his role as a king ten thousand years ago. (Give or take a few thousand years.) At the time, I didn’t feel any conflict within myself about Rama’s actions.

About a week after returning home from Amma’s, my boys and I watched the very creative film Sita Sings the Blues, made by American artist Nina Paley. (Click on the film title here to view the movie on YouTube.) I very much enjoyed this comical version of The Ramayana, and I still did not feel any question about the love for Rama inside my heart.

But then I came to certain parts in Ramesh Menon’s Ramayana, and suddenly I began to feel some discomfort with certain things that Rama said and did. I am not sure if these parts are true to the original Valmiki Ramayana, or if they are influenced by Ramesh Menon’s interpretation, but I will share them here because they are the cause of my current issues with Rama.

The part of me that is uncomfortable with conflict just wants to resolve this as quickly as possible. That part of me says, “It is just your ego talking – how can you, with your limited state of mind, question Rama, a Divine Incarnation?” That part of me believes that Neem Karoli Baba-ji and Gandh-ji had total devotion to Rama for good reasons, and so, based on their Love of Rama, I could also just keep loving Rama with total devotion. But then I remember what the young man said to me at Amma’s. He said that when issues come up for us, even issues with God, we can’t just trust what others say – even what the saints say – but rather, we have to resolve the issues within our own hearts.

So now I will outline my issues with Rama, with quotes from Ramesh Menon's Ramayana. I welcome feedback on these points.

After the demon king Ravana kidnaps Rama’s wife Sita, Rama grieves the loss of his beloved. His grief is almost unbearable, and were it not for the support and encouragement of his brother, Lakshmana, Rama might have perished from the grief. Before I took the brahmacharya celibacy vow one month ago, I found Rama’s grief to be charming, as I could totally relate to the deep sorrow involved in that longing for union. However, since taking the vow of brahmacharini, I see Rama’s grief as borderline pathetic! (Soon I will write a blog about my experience with taking brahmacharya.)

Then, during the war, when Rama thinks Lakshmana is dead, he cries out, “Lakshmana, how will I live when you are gone? I may find another Sita if I comb the earth, but I will never find another Lakshmana.” What? After all that grief over Sita, now he says he can replace her if he combs the earth? Now he loves Lakshmana more than Sita?

Then, after the war, he speaks coldly to Sita, saying: “I came because of dharma…. Do not think for a moment, Sita, that I came for your sake.” What? Ouch. That must have cut Sita’s heart like a knife. So then, bold as she was, she steps into the flames of a huge fire to prove her purity. The Lord Brahma appears and tells Rama that Rama is the Lord Vishnu Incarnate and Sita is the Goddess Lakshmi Incarnate… AND, Agni Deva, the God of Fire Himself, gives Sita to Rama unsinged and tells Rama that Sita is purer than he (Agni) is!

So then, Rama says to Sita, “Forgive me, my love, that I was so cruel to you. Not for a moment did I doubt your chastity.” Oy! Yes he did doubt her.

Then, once back in their kingdom in Ayodhya, when the people doubt Sita’s purity, instead of Rama saying, “Look, I am an Avatar of Vishnu and Sita is Lakshmi, and Agni did not burn her since she is so pure,” he said that it was the dharma of a king to keep his honor for the people. He says, “… I brought her home to Ayodhya, knowing she was perfectly untainted, in body and mind. But the people are not convinced. They judge her by their own lives, their own beliefs.” So then he tells Lakshmana, “… a king’s first dharma is to his subjects. Take Sita to the Rishi Valmiki’s asrama and leave her there.” He knew that she was pregnant (with their twin sons), but he didn’t stand up for her at all?

Although Rama did suffer tremendously over his grief at sending Sita away, he held firm to following his dharma, saying, “A king’s only dharma is the welfare of his people. They must rule whatever I do; my life belongs to them.”

Then, years later, at a big forest sacrifice gathering, his sons, Lava and Kusa, sing The Ramayana, and, hearing his own story, Rama realizes that these are his sons. So then he asks for Sita to come and swear an oath of purity for the sake of their sons’ future! The Great Rishi (Sage) Valmiki says, “Rama, you abandoned this Sita, who is purity itself, near my asrama. You were afraid of what the world thought of her and said of her. Why, it seems to me you doubt her yourself, that you ask her to come here and swear an oath.” So Rama tells Valmiki that he never doubted Sita’s purity, but he still asks her to come swear the oath.

So! Bhumi Devi, the Earth Goddess Herself, takes Sita back, proving Sita’s purity once and for all. Rama sobs and roars in fury at the Earth. He’s so enraged that Brahma has to appear to console him, saying, “Calm yourself, Rama. Sita is in Nagaloka, with her mother. You will find her again, after this life.”

After Sita left the world, Rama kept his kanchana (golden) Sita with him and he never even looked at another woman. Now this level of devotion and integrity I can totally respect, given my propensity (in the PAST) to attract men of the polyamorous persuasion.

Rama ruled for ten or eleven thousand years (depending on your source), and it was a time of utter grace on earth, but after Sita left the world, “he himself was always lonely, and pined for her.” Again, I’m inclined to use the word “pathetic,” but then I guess that is how jivas (individual souls) are, when we forget our Union with Shiva (God). But why did Rama forget, even after Lord Brahma told him clearly that he, Rama, was an Avatar of Lord Vishnu? Some say he forgot because, like us, he was in a human body living in the world, and like us, he regularly forgot his Divinity, and like us, he suffered because of that forgetfulness.

Then, when Rama has to banish Lakshmana to fulfill an agreement with Yama (Death), he again shows more love for Lakshmana than for Sita. Menon writes, “He was more stricken, even, than when he had sent Sita away from Ayodhya.”

After all the grief and loss, the story has a very cool ending. When it is time for Rama to leave this world, he becomes Vishnu again: “Rama melted into that light; he was that light.” And all the people who were devoted to him (Ramabhaktas), followed him out of this world: “In waves, like a river flowing into the sea, that throng of Ramabhaktas walked into the Sarayu. As soon as the holy water touched them, their mortal bodies dissolved and they rose up in resplendent forms of light…. When the last of his bhaktas has ascended, Rama himself rose out of this world…. And there, Sita, who is the Devi Lakshmi, waited for him.”

So the story has a good ending, but it left me feeling very conflicted about Rama’s actions. Was he indeed the perfect man? Some say yes, because, for a king in that age, his dharma to his people was impeccable. I’m not yet convinced, but I long to restore the feeling of Love and Devotion for Rama in my heart.

I highly recommend Ramesh Menon’s Ramayana. It is so beautifully and poetically written. Even with all this inner turmoil going on inside me about Rama, I intend to begin reading Menon’s Ramayana again very soon.

Lately I have been doing some forgiveness work, with the intention of forgiving a few people in my life, and with the intention of forgiving myself. So I say, out loud, “Teja, I accept your choices. I forgive you. I love you.” (I also say that to the other beings I am intending to forgive.) Somehow I need to come to the place where I feel resolved with Rama in my heart, so that I can sing his name loudly again. Perhaps soon I will be able to say, “Rama, I accept your choices. I forgive you. I love you.”

I offer this blog article to Sri Sri Sri Neem Karoli Baba-ji, Beloved Guru of Endless Grace. Oh Maharaj-ji, please help me to reunite with Rama in my heart. Please let me again feel the Fire of God and the Ocean of Grace merging in Sita-Ram. Please may this reading and contemplation of The Ramayana cleanse my soul of all impurities.

May all beings everywhere know Peace and Happiness.

Om Shanti (Peace),

Yogini Tejaswini

Photos of Fire and Ocean by Teja Shankara.